Parradais hotel, femtende episode

Emotions run high in tonight's Snog-A-Rama. Not really.

Sit down and shut up. You probably are. So remain sitting down and remain shut up. Now read.

After hacksawing my bike lock cos I lost the key, I made my way to Massevis’ flat to do some Parablogging, only to find everyone in the whole world and Jazzgeir getting ready to watch the football. They were in the middle of a game of coins which would determine who would have to go to the corner shop to buy lard and sugar, fuel for any half decent football enthusiast. Massevis lost. His ape-like, bad-loser-esque testosterone-powered bellowing caused everyone’s bowels to evacuate and a tidal wave of shit swept him out of the flat and into the lift. That didn’t really happen.

Anyway, I had to cycle to Kalle Kanin’s so I could have somewhere to blog where I wouldn’t resort to mindless self-love. I popped into the shops on the way and spent a full two minutes choosing the same crap I always buy. The I accidentally locked myself to my bike. It’s lucky I’m here writing this at all!!! (I’m putting in some extra exclamation marks there cos I’m not convinced any of you under 24 even notice single ones anymore)

ENOUGH!

The TV3 voiceover asks us with a barely excited voice what the inhabitants of Holiday Shack (otherwise known as Paradise Hotel) might expect to find in Panadora’s box. Whoop de fucking do.  Okay, what happened last week? Anyone? No? Okay, (dramatic cello music, dun dun daaah!) Katrine got sent home (or did she? Maybe she just got carted 200 metres up the road to a warehouse full of old guests). Stine Marie won a letter or got a fortune cookie that said she gets a date with one of the guys. How come she’s not allowed to get a date with one of the guys OR one of the girls. She’s half dyke, isn’t she. The bad half. Anyway, she chose Emil, The one with Lego man hair. Within the “last week” segment they showed clips of the “nest week” segment from last week. Dicks. They’re scraping the bottom of the barrel in order to stretch they show to a full hour.

Opening credits reveal a host of new contestants (suck on that irony and gag) that there are now two Karolines. But one of them is spelled with a C. There’s also a Marie. Oolala. Stian’s lying like a beached whale all over Karoline with a  K. He says he has feelings for her but is gonna try and hide it. Maybe by just sitting on her hand instead. Softly softly catchy monkey. Emil the guy who looks like a Lego man is hungover. He got laid last night. For two minutes! Oh yeah! I think I’ll cheer more after he’s wanked himself off. Anyway, conversation is on the quiet side between him and Marie. See, she’s helping out already!

The Goss

Okay, manic Tim Burton music take us to Tine, the one who looks like a barbie doll.  She wants to ask Niklas, the big guy without a face, why he’s getting of with all the other girls. And he’s like “Tine does nothing, right. She doesn’t contribute”. It’s not like he’s walking around collecting for the blind. He just sits around displacing his tattoos in the sun.
Lego man hair guy is worried Stine Marie might find out that he and Marie had sort-of-sex. She’s sort of worried, cos she’ll only sort of trust him on a sort of date. Cos he might get sort of drunk.
Cut to the girls. And they’re just sat there chatting when they should be foraging for fruit and nuts. What is their purpose in the hotel aside from being vehicles for lips, tits and beef flaps?
Marie, the one with hair like seaweed, is nervos about the date cos she’s the newest in. I think. So she’s sulking in that doorway that drops down into the pool. That’s such a wank bit of architecture.

The Date

Lego man and Stine Marie are shown to a table. “Heelt sykt”. The completely ordinary table with completely ordinary plates and cutlery is “Heeeelt syk”… “as”. Either it’s “kjipt” or it’s “heeeeelt sykt”. Nothing in between. Paranoid Stine Marie thinks he and Niklas have a plan of sorts to sleep with all the girls. Emil puts her curiosity to rest as he mumbles something which sounds like denial. Then She yaks on for a bit….. Bit more….. Done. Emil just sniggers like Beavis or Butthead. They receive another letter from another silent extra. There’s an old guest in chains upstairs. Surprise surprise it’s Katrine (So much for the inside info, Jazzgeir). TV3 stopped her in customs and the airport (or did they? Maybe they just dragged her out of the warehouse slapped a dress on her. She WAS in chains and gagged. Just saying). She misses the chance to come back cos Stine Marie would rather live alone. (Back to the warehouse). The segment left me with an empty feeling of nothingness. No doubt some antics from Carl and Petter will liven things up…

…No?

…No Carl? No Petter? This episode is already on the pile or nearly-made-its. Never mind. Stine Marie’s stupidity and desire to prolong announcements will entertain just as well. She comes back from the date and tells the rest what happened in such a stupid way. She tells the whole plot first and THEN tells them who was there. “Katrine!” The excitement fizzles out like an escaped half inflated balloon.
Tine asks Niklas what he thinks of a wife swap. He’s quietly thrilled. Him with Mari, and her with Carl. Perfect moment for a quick interview with the King of Mysticism, himself. Nothing. Niklas is brushing his teeth when Mari comes in. He tickles her underneath her chin like a doctor should and the agreement is sealed. Swappies.

Pandora’s box

They all sit around the box. The music however would have us believe the box is a nest of wasps and their task is to stab it with a dildo. Time for a bit of Q and A.

Who have you snogged, Marie? “Everyone”. Slapper. Karoline with a K would never to that. Nevaaah, I say!
Who haven’t you snogged, Emil? “Everyone except Karoline with a K.” Playah!
What’s going on between you and Carl, Mari? “Nothing. Why?” Ice bitch. Carl’s first appearance. He’s well upset.
What d’you think of Marie, Emil? “Nice. We’ve snogged. Not talking to her”. Awkward. Really. Those wasps really can sting.
Who’s the hottest, Niklas? “Mari”. Goggles all round. Tine’s cool with than, man. She’s cool wit dat shite.
Why won’t you snog Stian, Karoline with a K? “Don’t wanna do it on TV” Too late, already did. And they showed it again. And again. Ha. Burn. Might as well get your knockers out.
Who’s the hottest, Carl? “Tine”. Next.
What d’you think of Niklas playerising, Tine? “I’m cool with it, why?” Ok then.
Have you had sex, Marie? “No” LIAR!!! YOU LIAR!!! You frigid prude.
Is this true, Emil? “Yes” LIAR!! LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE!!! You pussy. Stand up for that halfwayhumping!
Do you have feelings for Karoline with a K, Stian? “No, no yet” Aww. Shame. That was actually quite disappointing.

Mari and Tine are chatting shit. Everyone comes in and Stine Marie thinks she’s the reason everyone stops talking. She throws a hissy fit and storms off. Mari and tine The Psychologists to the rescue!

Tine: Det bli’kke no’ bedre hvis du ikke snakker om det.
Stine Marie: (silent)
Tine: Kutt ut, a! (storms off)

Come on women, you’re holding us back. Evolutionarily.

So to summerise: Stine Marie had a chance to be paired up with Emil, but turned it down to avoid getting a gagged and chained horse back into the hotel. Stian wants to show affection but is having to limit it to drooling on Karoline with a K. Tine’s fine with Niklas antics. She cool with it, man. Niklas is thrilled and can look forward to persuading Mari into having sex behind a corner on a 7 foot ledge. Petter and Carl were out fishing. Pandora’s box revealed nothing we didn’t already know. Everyone just grew a bit more gossipy. Stine Marie’s a lunatic. Roll of the dice: 3.

Tomorrow’s episode looks good though.