When I was three years old my father went vegetarian. My family and I were sitting in the garden eating a chicken, and it suddenly occurred to my father how disgusting the whole thing was. He didn’t feel bad for the chicken. Nor did he feel that it was in any way unhealthy to eat meat. The notion of eating a dead animal simply made his stomach turn. And in all fairness, if you’re sat in the garden eating a chicken – and nothing else – your attention is going to be unnecessarily drawn to the greasy carcass between your fingers. Had we been eating a chicken salad, maybe he would have been distracted enough by the vegetables not to give a freshly ground shit about the mutilated bird.
I sympathise with his choice to become a vegetarian, but only because he found eating dead animals disgusting. If someone thinks aubergines are gross and makes a healthy yet immature decision not to eat them, fine (They are gross). But if someone refuses to eat them because they think the treatment of aubergines is inhumane or they actually have some kind of vego-human bond with them, they’re an idiot. The same goes for people who don’t eat meat for the same reasons. Ok, ok, ok, “aubergines don’t have feelings” I hear you say (Only I don’t, cos I’m on my own). Aubergines do have feelings, they just don’t have faces.
Vegetarians (the ones who have an unhealthy amount of sympathy for animals) choose not to eat meat because it comes from things with faces. Faces with eyes and a mouth. Eyes that look sad and a mouth that cries “Jesus Christ, get that fucking sharp thing out of my gut!” The closer an animal’s face resembles a human’s face, the less likely we are to eat them. Most of us would have a hard time slaughtering a baby. We would probably have less of a hard time slaughtering a monkey. As we move further away from humans it gets easier and easier. Pigs, easy. Chickens, piece of cake. A fly, splat! We’ll quite happily murder a fly because you can’t even see its face.
This brings me to fish. Some vegetarians eat fish. They’re called hypocritical cunts and we’re told there’s no shame in being one.
“Do you want some bacon?”
“Oh, no I don’t eat meat”
“What’s that then?”
“What? This? A trout. In a baguette”
“So you’re eating a trout in a baguette. Head first”
“Yeah. Mmmm, yummy”
Some piscatarians make the excuse that fish don’t have feelings. Yeah they do, it’s just that their stupid faces limit the feelings they can express to surprised and bored. Other piscatarians claim that in order to have balanced diet, they have to eat fish. For protein. Rubbish. If they need protein that badly they can eat a seal.
And how come these cunts get a fancy word, anyway? If I want to be vegetarian but continue to eat duck I’m not gonna be able to dub myself a ducktarian. Or mallardian. No, I’ll be treated like a total freak whose lying to himself. Much like piscatarians should be treated.
I have to adimt that I myself have been vegetarian. I saw a video on the net of pigs being put in the electric chair, chickens being beheaded, cows being hanged, sheep being shot by firing squad and monkeys being held by the hand as the lethal injection went in their forearm. It was, as you can imagine, pretty horrific. I made an informed decision never to eat meat again. The next day I woke up and made my self a ham sandwich. A full three days of meat-eating went by before I remembered the promise I’d made myself. My reaction was simple “Ah screw it, I’m not gonna watch that video again”.
you animal!