This dude is obviously suffering from moustchile envy, a common yet tragic affliction among today's youth
Freddie Mercury. Josef Stalin. Friedrich Nietzsche. Burt Reynolds. And Yours Truly. What do all these great men have in common, apart from the huge yet mentally unstable masses of adoring fans tracing their every step and utterance? If you have to ask that question, you clearly haven’t been paying attention. It’s the moustache, stupid. What the fuck did you think I was talking about?
The moustache was invented by iron age man shortly after the first blades and knives were produced. A lack of mirrors meant shaving singlehandedly was extremely tricky. But because asking a fellow iron age man to shave your face was considered kinda gay, and women weren’t to be trusted with sharp objects, they were forced to shave their chins, cheeks and lips themselves. Mainly in the dark. The first iron age man to experiment with a moustache was promptly stoned to death for looking like an iron age woman with a rodent below the nose. The confusing appearance of the prehistoric metrosexual man meant that the moustache became a taboo for many many years, today refered to by moustace-afficionados as the dark ages.
Luckily the moustache underwent a come-back, and in the late 19th century sailors of the British navy saw to it that a hairy upper lip would become as mainstream as hairy balls. The sailors would let their facial hair grow as long as possible and then shave their chins and cheeks, leaving them looking much like dogs. Unlike in today’s society, looking like a dog was exceedingly trendy, and men who did so were favoured greatly with the womenfolk. The sailor’s wives, however, grew so accustomed to their husband’s looks that when it was time to wave goodbye to the majestic boats yet again setting sail for distant shores, they would quickly retreat from the pier, and seek comfort, and often sexual relief, with Irish terriers.
Despite this bestial scandal, the moustache remained popular right up to the 1980’s, when it was forcibly claimed by the gay community, represented by The Village People. Homosexuals would grow moustaches as big as witches’ brooms, and use them primarily to store semen from other homosexuals. The bigger the moustache the more semen could be obtained. And the more semen you carried around in your face, the bigger the total whore you were, whoredom being, of course, the most cherisched currency among this happy lot of non-breeders. When the semen hardened the moustache was used to establish mating rights (make that bum-fucking rights) and secure territory. The homosexuals would charge at one another (much like mountain goats) and attempt to knock their opponents out with their crusty, spermy appendices.
Today, long after the days of stoning, dog-shagging and cum-bashing, anyone who sports a moustache in a non ironic fashion is well over the age of 40. It has become a novelty more than anything else. There is no longer any common denominator for people with moustaches. No category (other than “moustached”) into which they neatly fit. The reason for having a moustache varies greatly from person to person. Unlike the niches of the past centuries there is absolutely nothing that logically links one moustached man with another moustached man. Basically what I’m trying to say is this: I may have a moustache, but it doesn’t mean I have any affiliation with you just because you too have a moustache. History be damned. Leave me and my hairy lip the fuck alone!
Oooook, jeg skal aldri røre barten din!
Er du homo eller hetero? jeg er hetero. neida ;P
Style is knowing who you are, what you want to say, and not giving a damn.
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