Is football in need of a change? Read the whole article to find out what I, the person who wrote it, thinks

Av Jimmini Krikket

Metal rods through the shoulders

Football has always been a tricky subject for me. I’ve never played it as a sport myself. I’m rubbish. I’ll kick for the ball and trip myself up. I’ll shoot to score and the ball will go in absolutely any direction. I can’t get involved in a televised match. I genuinely fear for my glass of red wine when football enthusiasts get rowdy. In the boring bits of a game I start to ask football-related questions that are completely irrelevant to the match itself. “How many people are playing at any one time?” “When a match is meant to be 90 minutes, why do they always get another 3 minutes?” “Is that grass?”

Football is simply not interesting enough to keep me entertained. I think because my eye-foot coordination is so crap, my interest in the amazing physical skill is severely lowered.

I am suggesting some improvements:

- Plant trees and shrubs on the pitch
- Dig out small but noticeable holes in the ground (potentially fill these holes with milk and knives)
- Have an extra ball enter the game every time someone almost scores
- Have all players wear a different coloured jersey
- Drug one player from each team with LSD at random before the game
- Let every player demand a minute of “Referee with a bag over his head” once during a match
- Points for longest hair
- Points for longest name
- Points for longest ability to hold a hot egg